Where Past meets Future......

okay.....here another year passes away...hmm..
unlike all other years, this year was sumthing
a lot different, had many experiences, had sum
of my views changed while succed in convincing
certain ppl abt certain things.


tonight is the New Year Night. the night
between the 31st of Dec 2004 and 1st of Jan 2005
....a night where the past and future meet..
when everybody is confused.....esp me...whether
shud we b thinking abt the bad times of the year
that just past by or shud we be thinkin abt the
good times that r to come in the next upcomin
year....



its a totally different moment for everybody
....for me...its a very mysterious moment.....
im happy abt a few things that i did this year
but there is also this sadness in my heart abt
a few things....things (people, emotions,
relations) that i have lost sumhow :S:S


well..takin a quick luk at this passed year....i
really get upset abt how i cudnt achieve my
goals....i was supposed to be attending a medical
college...which im not...y.....becuz i cudnt make
it....a big big FAILURE.....


then....i was supposed (wat i used to consider it :S:S)
to have a serious relation....hmmm....sumhow cudnt
make it as well....man....quite a bad-luck-filled
year it happened to be....this relation went thru
lots of tranformation during the past 3 or 4 years...
but its back to the point where it started from.....
and im such an a$$hole that i dont even know
shud i be sad that i couldnt continue this relation
the way i wanted it to go OR shud i be happy for
at least having sum relation left....(as
they say SUMTHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING :S:S )


so im not sure wat shud i consider the above given
fact/reality....is it a big big FAILURE or VICTORY...
:S:S:S:S:S:S:S:S


anyways.....i guess i shudnt b paying much attention
towards that....being at optimist....im happy with
wat i have and this is gonna be a rule for the new
year....yeahhhhhhhhhh.......




IM DAMN TOOOOOOO HAPPPY ABT MY PRESENT!!




.........and a very very up-to-date unfo abt myself....
IM CLOSING DOWN ALL DREAMS THIHS YEAR!!
yeah.....wont be having any more dreams....call it a
tragedy or my luck....but its true...all of my sweet
dreams turn into nightmares sumhow.....or else take
a shape of sum bitter-totally-opposite reality
:S:S:S



so....no more dreaming....becuz....sum ppl dream of
achieveing high and others get up and work hard for it!!
and im gonna be amongst the second group of ppl...



WISH EVERYBODY A VERY VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR
ESPECIALLY THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN TYPIN THIS POST
SINCE HALF AN HOUR!

Am I Wrong???

hmm....thinkin a lot....but still quite normal....
wats bound to happen wud happen and wat wud
happen was bound to happen....confusin??:S:S:S


anyways....enjoyin everything around me....this
weather that i used to hate.....is wat im enjoying
now.....shadi season is on...attending lots and lots
of weddings.....yeah....its feels great to c ppl
havin fun and to share their fun and happiness....


and yeah....abt that luv shit.....ppl r wrong...
yeah....i can say...proudly plus surely....sum ppl
r thinkin the wrong way....the wrong base was
bound to lead into the wrong direction may be....:S:S


..........if its only abt the physical attraction then
i must say...its not luv....its simple and pure lust


...and if its luv....it shud be more on the
spiritual side...i.e. the sentimental attachment and
emotional attachment and not only the physical
attraction.....


wat i feel now and always felt was that physical attracion
was to be only a part of LUV.....and not the only thing
that luv was all about :S:S:S:S....still im not sure to how
much extent i was wrong or rite!!!


well....c where life takes me.....

Nothing much to say.......

this was quite a normal day.....quite satisfied
with my life....happy abt my past as i got to
have all kinds of experiences....feeling normal
abt the present.....its not that much a present for
me but still im normal...and im not worried
abt my future...it wud be gud and bright insha Allah...


......was thinkin abt a thing...:S:S:S is it possible
to spend ur whole life mistrusting each other???
if u get touchy by such small and stupid things....
wat wud u think when u wud find ur partner moving
around among this whole world or hanging around
with sum gud friends?


its not simple or easy to have blind trust in anybody...


to luv is not a big thing....to be luved is a better thing...
and to trust ur luv is the greatest thing!


anyways...its okay the way its happening....im glad
or im not that it came in my life once and forever???
:S:S:S:S....not sure abt it....still lost a lot of things
in all this....


listening to sum gud music....like this great song by
West Life....quite an old song....but old really is
gold.....i hope ppl take this into their minds!


Seasons in The Sun

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We´ve known each other...
since weWere nine or ten
Together we´ve climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and abc´s
Skinned our hearts and Skinned our knees
Goodbye my friend it´s hard to die
When all the birds are singingIn the sky
Now that spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and i´ll be there


we had joy we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed.....
were just seasons out of time


goodbye papa please pray for me
i was the black sheep of the family
you tried to teach me right from wrong
too much wine and too much song
wonder how i got along
goodbye papa it´s hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
now that the spring is in the air
little children everywhere
when you see them i´ll be there


we had joy we had fun
we hadseasons in the sun
but the wine and the songs...
like theseasons have all gone


we had joy we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
but the wine and the songs.....
like the seasons have all gone


goodbye michelle my little one
you gave me love and helped me find the sun
and every time that i was down
you would always come around...
and get my feet back on the ground
goodbye michelle it´s hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
now that the spring is in the air...
with the flowers everywhere
i wish that we could both be there


we had joy we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed...
were just seasons out of time


we had joy we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song...
like the seasons have all gone


i know everybody out there must have heard this
song a long time ago....but i find this song very very
soothing now...i luv it...i dunno y...but it gives me
hell of satisfaction....it makes me believe that
everythin does move away (just like fades away)
as the seasons change.....


waiting for sum gud season to cum.....which wud
be ever-lasting like the memories of certain seasons
that i enjoyed in the past....

Hmmmmmm :S:S:S:S

wat did i do? neither of us cud speak well....at least
i cudnt...was havin cuff....plus that confusion :S:S:S
was a lil bit angry plus lots and lots of mixed feelings...

i hope as i lost sumbody's trust.....i don't lose my
parents' trust.....in a very confusin state i am rite now...
cud obey my parents and keep their trust or i cud
have secured sumones trust and my life.....

now i dunno wats imp for me....surely both but dunno
sum middle way for this.....i hope everybody reading
this blog understands wat im going thru rite now...

hmmm...wish ppl had even a least bit of trust in me....
huh....nobody ever had....

but i swear to God.....i had complete trust....never
lied abt anything.....never mistrusted....did not
ever ever let my mind think the wrong way.....
never gave a damn abt those rumours just becuz
of mere trust......and God Dammit...i never knew
trust was to be pillarised on such small and stupid
things.....thought that LOVE.....had to be sumthing
quite deep and away from such humanly stuff....
sumthing that wud have got nothin to do with
the materialistic things.....and TRUST was to
be its sole pillar.....

has anyone ever seen a palace standing in
air??? with no pillar at all???

..........a cake without sugar????
..........a body without soul????

huh....wtf.....confusions surrounding me.....
digging my mind....stabbing my heart.....

Mis - Understood OR Under - Estimated....

Misunderstood
(Bon Jovi)

Should I? Could I?
Have said the wrong things right a thousand times
If I could just rewind, I see it in my mind
If I could turn back time, you'd still be mine

You cried, I died
I should have shut my mouth, things headed south
As the words slipped off my tongue, they sounded dumb
If this old heart could talk, it'd say you're the one
I'm wasting time when I think about it

I should have drove all night,
I would have run all the lights
I was misunderstood
I stumbled like my words,
Did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood

Could I? Should I?
Apologize for sleeping on the couch that night
Staying out too late with all my friends
You found me passed out in the yard again

You cried, I tried
To stretch the truth, but didn't lie
It's not so bad when you think about it

I should have drove all night,
I would have run all the lights
I was misunderstood
I stumbled like my words,
did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions good

So It's you and I, just think about it...

I should have drove all night
I would have run all the lights
I was misunderstood
I stumbled like my words,
did the best I could

I 'm hanging outside your door
I've been here before

Misunderstood
I stumbled like my words,
did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions good.

Only Lonely!!!!

thought of pasting the lyrics of a song im hearing
to.....its gud...i wish sumbody at least believes
this k at least i feel k thins song relates to
me sumhow.....and to a deep extent....but im
also sure no body wud


Only Lonely
(J. Bon Jovi)

Another long and sleepless night
You need someone to hold you tight
Sometimes love don't know wrong from right
Another long and senseless
Fight was all you knew
they're all the same
There's no one left to take the blame

What's behind this masquerade
How do we win these losin'Games we play,
words we say
Cutting wounds we know they run so deep
Leave it all behind you
Or someday love will find you

Only lonely -- I can't stop hurting you
Only lonely -- but I can't stop loving you
Only lonely -- how much pain does it take

It's getting sometimes I don't know
When to stop when to go
Sometimes we're so afraid to
Let it show
A stolen kiss so out of place
It wipes the smile right off your face

And when those feelings start
We let them go, let them go
Games we play, words we say
Cutting wounds that run so deep
Leave it all behind you
Or someday love will find you

Only lonely -- I can't stop hurting you
Only lonely -- but I can't stop loving you
Only lonely -- so tell me babe, how much pain can you take
before your heart breaks?

I got this timebomb ticking in my head
This time I think she's gonna blow
How can I say get away
When I just can't let go

Games we play, words we say
Cutting wounds that run so...
Leave it all behind you
Or someday love will find you

Only lonely -- I can't stop hurting you
Only lonely -- but I can't stop loving you
Only lonely -- I can't stop hurting you
Only lonely -- I can't stop loving you

I can't stop...


i wonder sumbody believes me this much....

No Regrets, No Appologise

okay...as far as i think...im not responsible for
clearing anybody's misunderstandings or to give
any sort of explanations...... still today i wud luv
to do this.... may be just to save my friendship
or wateva it is now......:S:S:S:S:S

this always happens if the two parties are not walkin
with the same pace or are not looking in the same
direction.....and the SERIES OF SHITS.....
occurs...and it shud oocur if ppl dont
trust each other.....

wat i expected was trust in reply of my blind trust....
but now i feel i was expecting toooo high from
sumone who hardly cared......

c...nobody ever ever felt my feelings.....
so wats the point in believing in luv now.... wat
i used to think was that luv cud be felt easily....
if not thru words....thru eyes and smiles.....
huh....everything seems to be fake now.....it really
was fake :S:S:S:S

and to be very honest......I LOVE U....yeah....
these words were the whispers of my heart...
but no body listened to them....or even if
sumbody did.....he ignored them . i wanted
these whispers to prove to be the echo of the
whishpers of his heart...... but all in vain
i guess.....either i wasnt able to prove myself
or the other side was so deaf and unable
to understand me...:S:S:S:S or it must have
been my dark fate....

and if these words were thought of as vapours
.....cud have been condensed with a mere pint
of trust....but no....now these r vapours...and wud
remain in the air.....forever.....

anyways....nobody believes me.....nobody
trusts my words.....nobody understands my
feelings.....so.....y shud i be the sole sufferer???

Chalo shukar hay.......I'm Back to the Past..

huhh....i think i'm quite happy with this new perspective
(prospective) of my life .... oh.... i forgot... this is not
at all the new one....im at last.... back to my past....
i have again started believing in what i used to believe
a year backk..... didnt remain lost for a long time :)


THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN FRIENDSHIP.....IT IS
THE ONLY GOOD (& PURE) RELATION THAT A BOY AND
A GIRL SHUD HAVE!!!


i was a big fool i guess that sumhow luv got over me...
kuch wakt k liyey hi sahih... per it did get over me... now
dont u say it was a crush... im not that much stupid or
weak at self-control. it was/IS pure luv.... but wateva it
was....its over now....OVER AND OUT....


I'm no more under ANY kinda spell....


Relaxed...
Calm...
Free of tensions...


To be very honest,i really hate to hate love....
but i swear im bound to do so.. i think i had had enuff
during the last one year....more than wat i really afforded
....its a total bull shit...no doubt the happier part is
really out of this world...sumthing that might be better
than HEAVENS...but....yeah...every gud thing always
continues with this one word BUTTT.....its really like
a beautiful dream that ends as soon as ur brain takes
over....and dreams....dreams r always beautiful...but
be practical dude....reality is not equal even to the
shadow of a beautiful dream....

its LIFE yaar....practically a life...u have to survive
this way or that way....u cant always go to a crying
sleep..then laff for a moment in dreams and then again
wake up...and cry for the whole day wishing to have a
glance of ur luv...to hear a voice u luv...to praise the
smile u luv...to feel the warmth of the hug u luv......


huh....shittt

A least bit of Satis-Fiction

its been quite a long time since i posted any updates....
so...i feel like im a bit better in terms of my mood
or worries....i have decidedd not to worry abt my
future....my fate has already been set...so ub wohi ho
ga jo kismat main hay....so wats the point in getting
worried?? :S:S

aj kafi acha din raha....had a zinger plus a sub 60....
and of course a small bar a dairy milk.....:) wish it
was a big one but sabar shukar kerna chahiyey takeh
next time Allah Mian baray wali day :):)

went for a short shopping trip to almost all the gud
shops present in this city....bought a new pair of jeans...
and im planning to but a new pair of hush puppies shoes
as well...abhi aik do dinoon main lay aaon gi insha Allah

and oh yea...aj kal kafi maza aa raha hay...the shadi
season is going on....a few shadis r comin in our family
too....i hope i'll attend ALL....thinking abt wat colours
to wear and wat hair style to put on....

baki sub ALMOST theek hay...cant understand ppl's
behviour....its like...PUL MAIN TOOLA PUL MAIN MASHAA
...i.e. aik second pehlay kuch hotay hian baad main kuch
ho jatey hain.....keep giving u new shocks every now and
then....confusing isn't it??

Sinkin' Memoirs or Sickenin' Memoirs??

winters r almost here....the weathers getting cool...
zahir hay winter main weather cool nahi ho ga tu aur
kyaa warm ho ga....silly me :P:P

anyways...the weather's quite boring...i dunno y but
winters really bore me to the utmost...her taraf ajeeb
saddness si feel hoti hay....and te lazinees....hate
that man...almost everyone stuufed in millions and
trillions of sweaters and whole eveings star plus on
the tv....bowls of peanuts in the laps....and khud....
in front of heaters....is that wat we call as life???:S:S:S
i hope not...

well...another reason of disliking or AVOIDING winters is
a few saddening memoies....memories that make me feel
guilty....guilt that deepens with every arriving winter...
and as the temperature goes down and down....the guilt
goes deeper and deeper into my heart..... y cudnt i
recognize the biggest assset of my life at that time???
shame on me....really....i shudnt have been so selfish to
u man....forgive me....

so...i appreciate this global warming...so these winters
do not come in my life again and again afer every
8 months :P:P

" Blaze of Love"

huh....read sumwhere...people r people whereva they r.....
i wud like to edit this....people r people whoeva they
r.....it doesnt matter a least bit if sumbody says hes
ur friend or admirer or wateva....everybodys selfish...
everybody thinks and luvs his own self.....nobody is
made for anybody....just one rule applies....ME ME AND
MYSELF.....thats it....baki sub gaey bhaar main....

quite irritated rite now....really feeling like throwing
out..... wish i cud change my past , my present, my
surroundings, my luck, everything....indeed just every
single thing im related to.... or every single thing
that is related to me.....

listenin to this song by bon jovi...Blaze of Glory
oh man...wat a song....the music is tremendous...the lyrics r
sooo soothing and true....if i eva get a chance...i wud luv
to sing a song with slight changes and with a title....
Buring my blood in the Blaze of Luv

i wake up in the mornin
and i raise my weary head
got an old coat for a pillow
and the earth was last night's bed..

i dont know where i'm going
only God knows where i've been
i'm a devil on the run
a six gun lover
a candle in the wind

when u're brought into this world
they say u're born in sin
well, at least they gave me sumthing
i dont have to steal or have to win (????)
well, they tell me that i'm wanted
yeah! i'm a wanted man
i'm a colt in ur stable
i'm what Cain was to Abel
Mr.! Catch me if u can

I'M GOIN' DOWN...IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY
TAKE ME NOW.....BUT KNOW THE TRUTH

I'M GOIN' DOWN...IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY
LORD I NEVER DREW FIRST BUT I DREW FIRST BLOOD..
I'M A NO ONE'S SON
CALL ME YOUNG GUN

U ask about my counscience..
...and i offer U my soul
u ask if i'll grow old to be a wise man
well! i ask if i'll grow old??

U ask me if i've known luv
and wat its like to sing songs in the rain
Well! I've seen luv come
i've seen it shot down
i've seen it die in vain

SHOT DOWN.....IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY
TAKE ME NOW ....BUT KNOW THE TRUTH

I'M GOIN' DOWN...IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY
LORD I NEVER DREW FIRST BUT I DREW FIRST BLOOD..
I'M A NO ONE'S SON
CALL ME YOUNG GUN

each night i go to bed
i pray the Lord my soul to keep
No, i ain't lookin for forgiveness
but before im six feet deep

Lord i gotta ask a favour
and i hope U'll understand
cause i lived life to the fullest
let this boy die like a man..
staring down the bullet
let me make my final stand........

SHOT DOWN.....IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY
TAKE ME NOW ....BUT KNOW THE TRUTH

I'M GOIN' DOWN...IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY
LORD I NEVER DREW FIRST BUT I DREW FIRST BLOOD..
I'M A NO ONE'S SON
CALL ME YOUNG GUN