its been a very long time since i last blogged...but during the past week, i didnt at all feel like typin borin shit that was happenin in my life...today is the first day....when i have decided to write down sumthin...i dunno wat i am gonna type over here....
khair...its the worst phase of my life goin on...i have never had so many failures in my life...in fact..a long time ago...i.e. till two years back...i didnt even know wat serious failure wud seem like! its like my failures r pissin me off and i sumhow sumtimes get this thot in my mind k if a few more failures occur, then i wud certainly pray for my death instead of future success...
its happenin for the very first time in my life that im gettin laid down by the taunts and jokes of people around me esp those of my family members and cuzins...i have always had the courage and strength to answer back every other person and to defend myself and to defend my abilities...however....the past one year has really weakened me a lot...i just feel ashammed when everybody makes fun of how i cudnt get adm anywhere in thos whole damn world....its not that i havent worked hard or that i havent shhown gud results in my Os and As....i had an equivalence of 853 that i suppose is better than any other of my cuzins and even my brother...but the fact that i cudnt make it to a medical college is the real shit....its tuff...its really very tuff man....but nobody knows that and nobody accepts that!
im in real tension these days....yeasterday i was just walkin down the street, makin my way from two frogs, hopin everywhere on the road, when a very fast car passed me....i stopped there and tried peekin into the car...all i cud see was two guys in the front seats and all i cud hear was the beats of
pappi chullu....as the car passed away i turned backwards and started walkin again...as i awas going to take my step, i looked at the ground and there i saw, a totally crushed frog smashed to the ground....i stayed there in amazement, fear or despair....the tyres had squeezed all blood out of the frog body....in a moment, my heart just wished wat if the car had crused me instead of that frog....its not that i was beiong sympathetic to that frog....i was just being sympathetic to my own self.....that last breath, that last beat, wud have meant total peace for me! ....and i think i wud really have prefered that......
may b this is all becuz of that medical thing.....when u dont get sumthing that u have strived for for like 10 years.....and then u gotta listen and tolerate all those taunts....it does happen....and if its all coz of that, then i declare it....i just dont want to becomz a doctor....i know i'll b regrettin afterwards for this decision...but just to save my present and my
near future, this decision seems to me very pleasant....
i dun love my life now....i dun even like anything abt myself now....i dun even like others now...i hate almost every other person in this world....i feel like killin every person....but then i think, my life isnt worth killin infinite ppl...so y shudnt i die instead of so many people ppl diein!
khair....dunnu...may kal ya persoon ya aj hi mera last day ho! who knows....Allah sabar dainay wala hay.....but b4 diein....i wud like to make a summary of my life....so that after i die, at least a few ppl cud knw wat i had done in my life, wat i had wanted to do in my life, whom i luved, whom i hated, like just everything abt my life which i have never told in my whole life.....
so...i think i'll b writing down these things in my book form and i'll be placin that book sumwhere in my cupboard so after my death., when my family opens my cupboard to distribute my valuables among my loved ones, they also find out that book (possibly my most-prozed possession)...
starting from today....i wud like to tell everybody abt a few moments when i felt that happiest....it was firstly when abeer (my younger sis) was born...i have always luved her a lot...but may b my ego or may b my temper never let me show that to her...(and im exremely sorry to her for always cursin her)...then i was the happiest when in 9th class i beat abeer ijaz....as a revenge of mis-markin in two previous annuals....i got the 1st position in 6th...i was supposed to b first in 7th and 8th too but only coz of favouritism (as her father was the fmaily doc of two of my teachers) , she was givin 1st pos by a diff of only .2%...and in 9th , she was to get a gold medal if she maintained the 1st pos. fortunately (and unfortunately for her) i stood 1st!
then i was the happiest when Ms. Amtul told my mother (behind my back) that she had become my fan!...wow....i felt like diein at that time when i gotta know abt this..(reasons later)...then i was happiest when my cuzin didnt die of sum accident he had....where he was supposed to die as the injuries were quite serious....then i was the happiest when i went to a trip to lhr in dec 2003 and found the best soul mate for my life i cud ever have....then i was very very happy when my the then best friend sid took those sleepin pills...and i got there in time and saved her (no doubt God is the sole authority...He sent me there as an angel...) and that was the time when she realized my sincerety towards her...and told me she luved me.....i was very happy again when my brother had his convocation...i cudnt resist the smile over his face......and i was happy when major munawar once, in a family gathering, got up from his seat and came to me (i was slicin a cake) and kissed me on my cheeks and said that he had always wanted a daughter like me and praised that i was very sweet....( i wasnt happy at the compliments which were no doubt flattery, i just liked the honour a major gave me)....
there must have been a few other moments in my life when i wud have felt very happy...but i cant think of them rite now...so i think of movin on to the next part of my book....
the bad moments...hmmm....i dunno if i remember all of them or not...Alhamdullilah im lucky enuff that i had a very happy life -gud family and gud friends- however, a few bad incidents did occur....first when i got a fracture in my right arm and missed a lot of gud times coz of that....then when i had a mighty fight with raza and latif over sum misunderstandin i dun wanna recal....then it was when zainy came into my life...in fact...he came into OUR lives...so everything changed...the whole scene....then i was the saddest when a hellota scandel was made b/w me and the uy i had admired and considered as a bbrother....then since last year...almost every moment is like a bad memory.....cant write abt all the taunts and remarks im havin since then.....but believe me...God knows...i have tried....a lot hard....and i swear its not in my hands to change my destiny!
i wud also like to declare a few secrets of my life....i have always tried to act like normal humans...in fact...like normal girls...but its not my fault, if God didnt make me so pure like those girly girls...its just coz of a few incidents that occured in my early life that have made me like wat i am now...and swear to God, if God asks me abt whom i wud like to punish in my life....then my answer wud certainly constitute of three names....(but i wud tell those names only to God, if He ever asks me!)
i have luved four ppl in my life (other than my family members)...not just luved...its like i have been in
ishq with them....i have fanticised myself with them...i have almost felt everything...i have luved them, hugged them, talked to them....but just in my fantasies...and im not ashammed of that...and in not even ashammed of the fact that the four ppl i have talked abt above, r all females....but God knows....my intentions have always been pure...and those ppl dun even know sumone called areej luved them! ....and if ppl think i was gay or anything like that, then that solely and solely their prob...coz i dun think luvin a lady (as in considerin her like a mother or a younger sis) wud mean u had any sexual relations with her...and keepin in view, those ladies dun even know abt this....
abt my friends...yeah...i have luved my friends a lot...and i think i was very lucky to have a few very honest friends...i have almost saira, rahat, barbie, latif and muneeb....i think if any of these five ppl asks me for my life, i wont ever hesitate! (neither wud they!)
....and i wud like to make a few confessions....to a few very dear ppl to me...i hope everybody forgives me after my death so that my soul cud rest in peace....at least after death!...
first of all i wud like to say sorry to my parents for not getin upto their expectations...and also to my bro and sis...i know i was the worst possible daughter and sis one cud have...i was rude to u without any reasons...i always behaved so badly...i was always irritated and itchy....and im sorry for that!
then i wud like to say sorry to saira...she is the one who has always luved me and admired me....i know dude....even ur passwords always had my name...and im sorry for always makin fun of u and for hurtin to every now and then....
then i wud like to say sorry to my cuzin/friend for not gettin upto his standards....i have always known wat luv is...per dunno wat got over me..may b i have always hated men more than any other thing in this world...may b thats y i cudnt ever soothe u out....i did luv u sumwhere inside me...but whenever i tried explorin that within me and eplainin that to u....u raised questions that needed words to answer....and i have always been very weak at the use of words and at expression of emotions! Sorry!
i wud also like to say sorry to raza , latif and muneeb coz everytime any of them had a dispute with me, i replied back with the worst possible statements.....sumtimes abt their families and other stuff too....im sorry for that.....
i guess this is enuff for now....i am feelin even bad now...i dunno wat i am going thru rite now...i have always been the well-wisher of ppl around me....but now a time has come when the success of other ppl makes me feel very very bad....its not that i get jealous or anything....but blood starts seepin ouuta my wounds....my complexes become more intense....
God plz rest my soul in peace!
Peace Out!
