Turning Twenty-One! :)

its an hour and 11 minutes and i'll b turning 21....can feel the elderly spirit within me! :)...im locked in my room since 7pm....its pretty boring and depressing....but fun as well....my friends here in hostel are aranging a "surprise" birthday party for me...haha....sounds funny?!?!?


i'll havta stay here till 12 when they wud come and unlock my room and then my part begins....i'll pretend as if i dint know wat was happening!! haahaha...the only fun left in my life! and one more thing....we wud all b gointo Cuukoos tomorrow i.e. i'll b givin everyone a big treat.....i love that place....the point where u stand and have a look at the surroundin red-light area....haaaa...poor girls!



the clock wud struck 12 and like every year, my fone wud start ringin and ringin....but this year.....im not muhc interested....i've never liked November....this months been so unlucky and disturbin for me....ALWAYS!!....i just want to receive one call....thats it!!....and i'll wait for it....may b the whole night!

November Rain...

it just started rainin a while back...i dint like it too much...this november rain keeps givin me hunches abt sumthin bad that wud happen....and yes....the most expected mail was there in my mailbox...

im not in a state to write much...

I Love You, Jibran! :)


[its not that i cud not use this name and wud have always used the pronoun you...i CUD/CAN] :)

?

im crucified...

y does this always happen with me? i knw its wrong but i've got a lot of questions i wud b askin God when i die....

i dunno why the hell He made me like this....i wud have luved to spend my life like normal people....like normal girls...a nice life...but everything got fucked when i was merely a child of 7 years....y it had to b me....

whenever i tried luvin sumone, i took so long to understand and to make em understand and all i got was even more frustration and loneliness....i can feel myself shatterin from the inside...and i still cant cry....

i feel so rejected and dejected....may b i deserve that for all that i've been doin thru out my past....but then wat did my past offer to me ?!?!?

but i accept this....*WE* wud b Brother n Sister from now onwards....

shud it be made bold????? (YES! at last a tear has dripped out...i accept this as my VICTORY)

Cumin back to.......L.I.F.E

i've been thinkin a lot lately....sum mixed thoughts....i've seen that ppl r all soo happy....sumtimes it does make me jealous...all the gurls over here r big time flirts....aik ko 10 ka time diya hay tu dosray ko 12 ka....and it continues!


like they r happy with this....full time fun....hur taraf say gifts, sara sara din sari raat fone calls, outings, fun, shugal....its not that im bein materialistic...but this is how life at this stage oughta b! boyfriendS, scandels, bus this is life! they dun feel lonely....aik say larai tu dosra ready....lolzz...


c how mixed and fucked up thoughts im havin....i dun mean to say that im desparate and i want boyfriends too...i hope i never get indulged in such activities....if i want to then i can find as many bfs as i want...per this is NOT wat i want....i wud just luv to go for a few nice n sincere friends (girls as well as boys)...


on the other hand, if i luk back, i've got a lot of gud friends but i dunno wats up with me....i just cant learn to trust ppl...or else i do trust my friends but i dun feel like sharin my stuff with them! watever.....

:@

hey theres sum fuckin prob with my browser and im juz unable to view any blogs at blogspot.com ! i cant get it......i can open the blogger.com but i cant preview my blog. and it doesnt open any bblog links :@


wat shud i do?!?!?

[perverted]

i was sittin listenin to mitti by Junoon when i had this feelin k:


thie life, or call it fate, has just perverted me...


as in....i dun think im being properly used by life....(i dun want to say k im not utilisin my life properly) and by the use of the word "use" i dun mean the use ppl make of each other.....im usin it in a positive sense.


thats all i had to say!

*shitofied*

man y does it always happen with me??? yar it was my babas birthday and like always once again i forgot to wish him.....on my birthday its always my family to wish me at exact 12 midnight but i always forget....this is simply sooo bad...


i was out with my friends aur aisa shugal tha k i just forgot everything....and now only i know how much guilty i am....shit yar....i had planned k iss dafa i wud b the first one to wish him but nahi.....how cud i be so careless....shit man shit...im just so angry at my own self...i dunno wat to do....its like 2.15 rite now and i cant call him at this part of night.....and im sure he wud have gone to sleep after expecting my call/sms for long....yar....parents do so muhc for their kids....esp my parents have done so much for me....how cud i do this to him....


i dun even know how wud i compensate...

Dire Strait...

i really wanna cum out of this dire strait now...


its my agony and i juz want to get rid of it...sumtimes i think k i shud share all my stuff with my friends....i have got so many f gud friends around me and they all can be trusted like anything....per pata nahi kion mujhe say kisi ko kuch nahi bataya jata....i wud keep burnin myself....man....i just want relief...


i dunno if i luv my family or not....but this is for sure that my family luvs me soooo very much....i have always wanted to pay them back but i know im just too bad....i cant do anything for them....


im juz so helpless/aimless/lifeless.....

emotionalised-saddised-traumatised

man....im havin the worst emotions ever...i feel literally very down...i want to cry...tears r almost there....all they might b needin is a slight push....im havin sumthing in my heart i cant figure out myself...


i have these loads of tensions inside my head....i dunno how to cum out of all this...im missin sid a lot today....i want her to be here....zains state makes me miss her even more....im missin dumber as well....the thought of ot bein able to contact her from tonight makes me sad....and then wat the main prob is.....i wanted a lot to sit with huma and talk to her.....and shes not here....


i went to the childrens hospital today....found this very cute boy....firdaus ali...he was sooo damn cute that i cudnt hold my sight off him....i went straight to his father and asked him if i cud take him....the boy immediately climbed into my arms....i talked to him, played with him for like 30 min....and he got so familiar with me that he wont go back to his family....that was the best feelin ne cud have....his father needed financial support coz the boy has cancer....Allah....


ok...im going to the hospital tomorow once again....and im goin to fsd as well....i think main kuch hi ursay main fsd transfer kerwa lun gi upnay credit hours....i want to b there....actually i want to be with him...

Uninvited..

sumtimes it feels as if im just an extra piece which doesnt fit into the puzzle of this world!


i feel so gud at one moment and the very next moment...i find my eyes wet....and for no particular reason! ramazaan just passed away...i was selected as the class representative for my section....and i was given the task of collecting donations for the earthquake victims....me and my fellow arsala collected 11000 rupess in one day (5000 by arsala and 6000 by me)....and we were quite appreciated coz this was the maximum amount any section had submitted by that time :D


...now the admin is offerin a trip to the affected areas...i hope i'll b availin the chance...i wish i can...per i have got a few other assignments in my mind which might make this trip opportunity unavailable...khair lets c...


i was just thinkin k doctor na bun ker bhee tu main woh sara social work ker sukti hun....all u need is devotion and intention....i think i hav both and i hope i dont lose my strength...

it feels like Hell...

my mids r startin from this monday....and i know but my guilts and regrets....this is exactly unlike the warrior i used to be....im just so i dunno wat....i feel as if everybodys torturin me mentally.....and the physical part is worst too....i hate it when girls wud come and push at my arms or anywhere.....i hate it....yar i hate everything happenin to/with me.....


i got into a big big fight two days back......and i thought of sayin sorry when huma and aneeqa suggested k i shudnt say sorry otherwise everyone wud always expect a sorry from me......so acting on their advice i didnt say sorry but kept quite normal to both the girls.....the scene is better now....


baba has gone to europe.....he called me 15 min b4 leavin for the airport so that he cud spend the last few minutes with me.....but fuckin.....how cud these ppl tolerate sumbodys happiness.....the gurl i almost hate came and stood rite there where i was talkin to my dad....and kahan woh 15 min we wanted to talk, i had to drop the call after 4.43 min.....man.....i fuckin hate such ppl....i felt like crying....knwin that my dad wont b spendin this Eid with us i had this urge to talk to him peacefully but naaah....


i have been trying to think of sumthing.....if i gotta do bba, why shudnt i do it from sum reputable institute....so i have thot abt lums...unka 12 dec ko entrance test hay so i think i'll be givin that ppr .....but again 10th say final pprs hain and i dun think i'll b able to give this test.....i dunno wats gud for me and wats not.....


two seconds back aneeqa and huma came in to call me for sehri...man im so happy....they walked all the way from their hut to my hostel in such a cold atmosphere just to take me with them....thou aneeqa was online but they themselves came.....woww.....im so happy abt this....and the bad part ...i didnt go coz i was updating this blog.....huh

Besieged....Entangled...

nuthing is workin out.....im just too bored, depressed, desparate, pata nahi kiya kiya...mera na kisi say baat kernay ko dil kerta hayy na kuch perhnay ko....na khanay peenay....im compltely acting opposite to wat the real areej is....man....i have always been quite social....no doubt i wont ever share my stuff with anyone....not even with my closest friends....per ub tu kisi say baat kernay ko b dil nahi kerta.....everybody thinks as if im angry at em or sum say i have turned proud....per both the points r completely wrong as far as i can think of myself....


amber is depressed.....she calls me daily....per aj i sensed how depressed she actually is....i wud always tease her and have fun....she wud always laff at my stupidities.....aj she wasnt the same.....she called me and the first thing she said was "r u free?? mujhe tum say bohat sari batain kerni hain"....i cudnt trust my ears for a sec k amber itni formal/changed watever.....and i was scared for a moment....and the other moment as i said "haan bilkul farig".....that moment she errupted into tears.....i didnt know nothing.....i knew she needed a shoulder per yahan itni durr say mujhe say baat b nahi ho rahi thi....upper say signal prob....i stood there totally lost k hua kiya hay....and then she started tellin me of the big trouble that had occurred at her place.....i dunno wat fate has got for all of us...who cud say k aj say aik saal pehlay tuk husti hui amber wud have to change this way for a guy she hardly likes! .....its not fair....no doubt Allah knows the best....and we cant ever argue with Him...neither do we want to...still everyone needs sum refuge....everyone needs to have sum hope......


im just too full rite now....i myself dunno wat i want to do....which path shud i go for....im just soo damn confused....

*backspace*

i dun wanna think abt my past....i dun want to waste not even a second over those memories.....per i cant help it....the atmosphere around me keeps remindin me of the f- memories.....i dunno if i hav sumone i cud share them with or not....per as far as i can understand may b i dont want to share a few aspects of my life with anyone...not even with my parents....not even with my bro....and not even with my closest friends.....i just want to eat sum pill or potion that wud erase everything outta my mind....


God help me out of all this....i dun want to ruin my present and future coz of my past....


im quite down since a few days...i dun like anything.....i wont take any sheri and i wud fast....then i wud take just a bottle of water for iftari....i dun feel like eating anything....i feel like throwin out all the time.....im not gettin slim neithher do i want to.....per sumthing inside me is certainly going wrong....may b its coz of the weather....i hope im not homesick....the hostel is gud....food is ok....studies r normal.....thou company is not gud.....else everything is fine....i dunno where the prob lies then ?!?!?


i had my computing module today....didnt study a word yesterday.....the module went ok.....in the last module i got 19.5 out of 20.....cant say anything abt this one....teacher mujhe say kafi impressed hain...hope this works.....


my mids r startin from 24th....havent studied a word....upper say economics tu sir say guzar jati hay....Allah behter karayy coz everybodys expecting high from me.....


its 11th of oct today....gaga had to have a bypass operation today...i hope hes done with it and hes fine too....i'll call him tonight Insha Allah.....hes one of those have disappointed.....per wat else can i do!


yesterday huma was off with her friends when aneeqa came to my room....we sat there for a while and then she started doind sum work over my pc....i left the room juz not to disturb her privacy and went outside....enjoyed the soltitude for a while when she came out searching for me.....she was like i shud have stayed there in the room.....khair....then she left for studies and i was sitting in my room when there as this knock at the door.....as i opened the door, i saw two three smart girls fully dressed up, with make-ups and jewelry......i cudnt get at first k who they were until i had a look on my right where huma stood....she was lookin awesome...i wasnt feelin that well so didnt behave well with her friends....woh unko mujhe milwanay laey thin and i just cudnt meet them properly....huma looked at my face like twice with this strange look....they then left and huma murmurred k abhi baad main ati hun.....i felt bad at how i had behaved per ub kiya roona....


then later we were studying under the shade....me, ramsha, ijlal....when i saw her passin by....she stopped and so sympathetically asked "areej tumhari tabiat thek hay?" and i was like yeah Alhamdullilah....i dunno unho nay mind kiya hay ya nahi...us k baad say abhi tuk baat nahi hui....and im not much positive...hope everythings fine....Amin....


way to go rite now...

....

lets start again...i just feel as if sum volcano is errupting inside me and the lava is pouring out from time to time......all the time.....yaar....i just want to cry...i want to cry to death....i cant figure out anything....im not homesick as far as i can understand....per sumthing within me certainly is wrong....


amma is not feelin well since two months....and its really not fair that nobody found it important to inform me....moving to a hostel doesnt mean that u have totally moved out of the family! .....she wont go and get a complete check up from sum gud doc.....baba is lazy enuff to persuade her or to forcefully take her to a doc....she wud work out the whole day....wont take rest for min....shes never gets satisfied by wat the maids do.....if shes angry at the maid coz she didnt clean the floor the way she wanted it to b done, she wud abruptly get up and without uttering a single word, she wud start brooming it herself, totally ignoring her own condition.....man....shes a perfectionist and a geat lovin n caring lady.... she wud sumtimes tell me k : baita ager mujhe main himmat ho tu main app logoon k socks b press ker ker k dun!" now thats more than enuff....and i think such a lady actually deserves heavens and a gud life in this world too.... pata nahi Allah nay kis k liyey kiya likha hay....amma is not feelin well....she has got her gall bladder full of stones....it needs to b removed laproscopically but shes scared of any sort of operations....her bp is not gettin under control....thats not a healthy sign...her tatni prob is not solved either....God plz give her a healthy life full of joys and happiness.....she is one person i owe my life to....even if U need to take away my life, i wud want U to do that.....plz


baba has to go to Europe on an auditing tour....he wud b leaving any day in the next two weeks and he supposes k yeh eid to confirm wahin guzray gi...next ka b koi pata nahi....so he has to go.....


tb is lookin for a gud job...he can easily get a gud job....he is a graduate from gik...but the prob is he wants to stay in fsd with amma and baba....he is gettin nice offers but from lhr or isb where he doesnt want to go....he wont ever speak up per i know wat the reason behind this is....he is worried abt amma....he wont ever think of leaving her at the disposal of baba....no doubt baba is a very lovin person but he , at the same time is a bit careless.....amma wont speak her mind up....she wont tell anyone that shes not feelin well....and baba wont ever guess from her face expressions that shes not well....while contrary to this tb or i can judge this thing.....so tb ka point of view b theek hay upni jaga.....


man.....i dunno wats rite and wats wrong....all i know is that im not happy at all...and i dunno whether my family has senses this or not....if yes then possibly amma ki tension ki main wajah once again main hi hun.....God-forbid i wont ever let them have any idea of how i am feelin.....


i cant even say that im feelin better coz im not....just wanna run away.....thats it!!!

......ub kiya roona

im extensivley listening to Hum Bholay by Noori and Sanwal by MHB... i dunno wats up with me....i just dun feel like hanging around with ppl as i used to when i came to this hostel....i wud luv to keep myself in my room, sit on the chair in front of the pc and listen to thse two songs as many times as i can....


meri zindagi
meray saath nahi


everything is just so fucked up....got back from fsd today....stayed there for like 36 hours i guess.....i had planned k iss dafa aik din main hi kuch acha kaam ker k aaon gi....per literally everything went in vain.....


man....i dunno how and wat am i feelin....these mixed feelings n emotions r killin the inner me....i luv my parents.....i wud hav done anything for them.....i still wud do if i get a chance....per pata nahi y cant i ever get upto their expectations....all they expected from me was to fulfill my own aims...i had always pretended (or aimed) to becum a succesful doc....so much so that my parents had this in their sub-conscious that their daughter wud becum nothing more or less than a doc....man.....i really feel ashmammed of myself....no matter wat....Allah ki zaroor koi behtri ho gi....per still i cudnt fulfil the only thing that my parents wanted....shytee....


they wont ever show that they r sad abt this fact....per am i blind or dumb...i can easily look into my moms eyes....she still sees me as a doc....my baba wud still call me doc sahib.....im sure ten years from now a phase wud cum when i wud regret abt my not working hard to get into medi.....the only feeling k aj say five years baad i wont b wearing the white coat i had always wanted to wear makes me go crazy....i can feel the tears in my eyes which wud certainly not go out but stay there shieldin my eyes.....


kal medical ka result aya tha....all my friends hav got in...i didnt appear for the test out of disappointment....i dun even wat to think k wat if i had appeared...possibly aj main lse ki bajaey pmc main hoti....i had the last chance of gettin into medical clg and today was the last date and i didnt avail that chance either.....this time coz i dun want my baba to invest like 30 lacks over me and then sumone else gets the fruit......im a complete asshole i know....im so confused....


ok....i gtg right now...will continue as im just sooo full.....